Have you ever wondered why you and your partner seem to get stuck in the same arguments over and over?
You’re not alone. Most couples find themselves caught in patterns that feel impossible to break. The good news is that these patterns make perfect sense when viewed through the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
What You’ll Learn
What Is Your Relationship Dance?
Think of your relationship as a dance. Each person has steps they follow in response to their partner. Sometimes this dance flows smoothly. Other times, you might step on each other’s toes or move in completely different directions. Understanding this dance can transform how you connect.
Attachment Needs in Adult Relationships
As children, we needed our caregivers to respond when we cried, comfort us when scared, and make us feel safe. According to attachment theory, these needs follow us into adulthood and shape how we connect with romantic partners.
In healthy relationships, partners:
- Feel safe being vulnerable
- Know they matter to each other
- Trust they can count on each other
- Feel accepted, flaws and all
When these needs aren’t met, we react in ways that often create distance rather than closeness.
The Three Common Relationship Patterns
The Pursue-Withdraw Pattern
This is the most common pattern researchers observe:
The Pursuer: Reaches out when feeling disconnected, sometimes through criticism. Their underlying message is: “I need you. Please respond to me.”
I’ve experienced this firsthand—when feeling disconnected, my instinct is to move toward my partner with questions like “Are we okay?” My partner would retreat further with each question, leaving me feeling more anxious. What I didn’t understand was that my pursuing was driven by fear of abandonment, and their withdrawal wasn’t rejection—it was self-protection.
The Withdrawer: Feels overwhelmed and pulls back. Their underlying message is: “I can’t get this right. I need space.” Withdrawers often feel flooded by emotion and criticism, sensing they can never satisfy their partner’s needs. They might physically leave the room during arguments, change the subject, or emotionally check out. This withdrawal is rarely about not caring—it’s a protective response to feeling inadequate or attacked.
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, creating a cycle.
The Withdraw-Withdraw Pattern
- Both partners move away from connection when they feel hurt:
- Both getting quiet during conflict
- Avoiding difficult topics
- Living parallel lives under the same roof
The Attack-Attack Pattern
- Both partners move toward conflict with criticism or anger:
- Escalating arguments
- Interrupting each other
- Bringing up past hurts
While it looks like anger, underneath is often fear of disconnection.
How Early Experiences Shape Your Dance
The steps in your relationship dance weren’t randomly chosen. They developed based on your experiences, particularly early ones.
If your needs were consistently met as a child, you likely learned that expressing needs leads to connection. But if your needs were dismissed or met with anger, you might have learned it’s safer to hide them or fight hard to be heard.
Understanding Your Role and Moving Toward Secure Connection
Ask yourself:
- What happens inside me before I react?
- What am I most afraid of in those moments?
- What do I do when I feel that fear?
- What am I trying to communicate through my actions?
For example: “When my partner gets quiet, I feel panic rising. I’m afraid I don’t matter. So I push harder for a response, which only makes them retreat more.”
Breaking free starts with awareness. Instead of being caught in the cycle, step back and observe it. “Here we go again. I’m pursuing, you’re withdrawing.”
Next, understand the deeper emotions driving the pattern. Often beneath anger is hurt, beneath criticism is longing, and beneath withdrawal is fear.
When you share these more vulnerable feelings directly, magic happens. Instead of “You never make time for me!” try “I miss you and feel scared we’re drifting apart.”
Recognizing Attachment Needs as Normal
Your need for emotional connection is not a weakness. It’s not “neediness” or “dependency.” It’s human.
We are wired for connection from birth. Research in neurobiology shows that our nervous systems are designed to regulate through connection with others. When we feel securely attached, our bodies actually release hormones like oxytocin that reduce stress and promote wellbeing.
Every person needs to feel that they matter, that they’re seen and valued by their partner. This is as essential to emotional health as food and water are to physical health. In secure relationships, partners can turn to each other when distressed and find comfort. They can be vulnerable without fear of rejection.
When couples understand that these attachment needs are universal and biologically based, they can stop shaming themselves or their partners for having them. Instead, they can work together to create a relationship where both people feel secure enough to be authentic and connected.
The Path Forward
First Steps to Change Your Dance:
- Notice your pattern. When in conflict, try to name the dance.
- Pause the music. Take a time-out if needed.
- Look beneath the steps. What are you really feeling beneath reactions?
- Share your deeper feelings. Express vulnerable emotions rather than just anger.
- Listen differently. Try to hear the attachment need beneath your partner’s words.
Understanding your relationship dance is the first step toward changing it. In our next post, we’ll explore specific techniques for creating moments of secure connection, even during conflict. The final post will dive deeper into emotional vulnerability and creating lasting safety.
The good news is that attachment patterns can change. With the right support, couples can move from disconnection to secure bonding, creating relationships that feel like a safe harbor rather than a stormy sea.
Schedule Your Free Consultation
At Wayfare Counseling & Consulting, we’re here to help if you’re ready to explore your relationship dance and create healthier patterns of connection.
